Wednesday, January 12, 2011
it has been 4 months now. four long lonely painful months. i feel so guilty that i didn't give you your siesure meds the last week of your life. even though you couldn't swallow them i still feel like i am the cause of your death. i watch all these shows deadly women, forensic files, then i think of my father, i refuse to call him dad anymore. and i think am i like him, did i kill my husband. i prayed so hard for you to be set free the night before you passed away. i was up early and heard you moan, thought to myself wow he is up so early. i went with my gut and checked on you. you were having a siesure and i know you said it wasn't painful and that you didn't remember when you were having them but you looked like you were in so much pain that i gave you a large dose of morphine. called your mom told her i think this is it, and held on to the love of my life as he was fading away. i actually think you were gone already. i think you were gone the night you saw people in your room. i feel so guilty that i asked you to please go that i couldn't handle this anymore. i cryed in the shower for a good fifteen minutes begging god to take you. i held your hand as you passed and my heart just broke. you had my heart in life and now you have it in death. death i hate that word, i cant look at photos of you yet even though the house is full of them, i just advert my eyes. i dont bake, i barely cook, i cant even bring myself to watch our favorite programs. my mom said i need to write this stuff down it would help me in my grieving process, which as you know is really kicking my butt. if i had known i would only get fifteen years with you i would have not gotten so upset at you over the small stuff, i would have just picked up the pile of clothes that always seemed to land next to the hamper and never in it. i miss your smell, even when you would grab various parts of me that i hated. i miss that, how cold i miss that. i am so lonely, i dont want to go out to friends, or events, i had my shopping therapy, didn't work fyi. i had to buy a new bed because believe it or not that fantastic mattress you picked out just was the cause of all my back pains. well maybe not all, the fifty pounds i could lose is also to blame. i was so happy that i got your stone in before the winter because i thought it would be horrible to go see you and have to guess with all the snow. come to find out they dont even plow the cemetary so i have made it up one time and i feel really bad about that. people say that you are here with me, but i can't feel you. they say that when i am ready i will. i hope they are correct. you drove me crazy but truth be told i loved almost every minute of it. i am going to write to you and my feeling on my blog. no one reads it anyhow and if they do my motto is dont say anything you wouldn't say in public so no worries. baby the kids are doing better than me, they are doing activities. i kept my promis about the ski thing, but now i am cutting back on the spending and trying to be frugal again. i need to save up. i am going to side and roof the house this summer and i will pick colors that we were talking about but i guess ultimately i get the final say on the colors. so i guess in a strange way i win. i am going to choose what i want, no outside influance this is my decision and i fully intend to get the colors i want. baby the kids are doing very poorly in school this year and i know that is to be expected, but if you really are watching over us somehow get the point across that they need to focus on studies. this has been by far the hardest year of my life. we were supposed to grow old and senile together, i feel like i got robbed, we were supposed to go rving in our golden years. i am angry that you got taken away from us. but i could not bear to see you in pain anymore, i just wish i could get the final moments out of my head, the sounds, the life gone from your eyes. but to be fair that was gone a few days before. i know you know i love you but i hope you know how much. i love you with all my heart you gave me fifteen wonderful, stressful, crazy, fun years. i married my best friend, my soul mate and because of you i get to spend eternity with you. i believe that because you did. i have to build my testimony and grieve but both are going to take time. but please know baby that we are doing good. bills are getting paid, you always prided yourself on being able to take care of your family, you succeeded even in death. i love you and my mom was wright, she said if i wrote to you or about what i was feeling that day then that might help me and you know what i has. i love you and always will your loving wife, val
Posted by val at 11:09 PM
Friday, August 21, 2009
ok so the way i see it is if i am up at one in the morning that officially makes this an insomniac post..lol.. not much happened in the last few days, however last night i did witness a miracle. i got a full seven hours of sleep. no dog licking my feet to go out, no kids buggin me, well except for ruby when she joined me on the couch and i had to flip sides because she kept stealing my pillow.. now those of you that don't know me i sleep on my couch because i cant sleep and i don't want to keep Jared up so i go dink around on this thing or watch TV. being the polite one i guess. however i do love my couch it is soooo getting washed on Monday when the kids are back to school. MONDAY.... can i express any more joy than that. school starts no kids making a mess all day no kids just walkin in my house making themselves at home, i only have to feed my kids.. not that all the Popsicles, crackers, ramen and what now was a bother but it is getting old. at least for now. but now i will be required to have home made after school snax. thank god for Betty crocker..lol. well we went to the lake for one last hurrah before the summer officially ends for the kids, it was fun all except for the ride, ppl who have more than one kid you seriously need to reconsider having kids..lol.. i am totally kidding but that is now my new favorite line.. they fought the whole way there and again the whole way back, other than that we had a good time. i just sat in my tent reading last months trash mag ( Jared actually purchased that one ) and then it was time to go. the highlight of the drive home was a raccoon that was dead on the side of the road. gotta love kids.. lol. well i guess that is all i have for now. blog ya later..
Posted by val at 11:54 PM
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
OK so i went to the Dr. again today my head shrinker Dr. and the session went great i started crying good thing he keeps an ample supply of tissues right by THE CHAIR lol. so we decide to wean me off the depakote and wait until my other head shrinker gets back into town. not until the first.. omg that seems like an eternity. well all this aside the point, i get to bed at a descent hour i think before 10 and wouldn't you know it 11;30 rolls around and i am up like i have had a whole eight hours of sleep. the inevitable things is that come four or five i am going to hit a wall big time and go to bed like i always do. laundry piles from here to eternity. just kidding i have it well maintained to four of the biggest baskets you have ever seen in your life... lol... that makes me chuckle a bit. so there i sit on facebook, because all my friends live on there, whats the point of having a close friend when it always turns to bite you in the ass? so i prefer my friends that i talk to daily on the virtual world...... too much drama with human up close one on one friends. the last two were a bust. so here i am on my faithful computer and all of a sudden poof an idea, not just any idea but one of the ideas that are so remarkable that you just gotta get your fat ars off the chair and go..... run like the wind. you wanna know what this idea is don't you, its just killing you to find out isn't it. ok it goes like this do your chores at night..... omg three plus months of sleeping issues and all of a sudden wham hits me like a ton of bricks. got laundry folded, sorted, got a load going and because Alex snuck out one last pity sleepover before school he missed his dishes, no prob got it covered. guess who's cookin dinner.... hahahah Alex... so other than sitting on my computer writing my thoughts down to prob. not one single soul out there they are mine my journal per say. so i am off to facebook gonna play a little farkle and see where the night takes me from there. blog ya later
Posted by val at 11:41 PM
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
So here i sit yet again in front of my trusty keyboard clickyty clackitying away. if that's even a word. so i go to bed at a regular descent hour and guess what i am the only person out of six people in this house that can hear the minute whining of a dog that is in dire need of relief. so i as a good dog owner one of six may i remind you get up and let him out. which was a good thing because as it seems relief was not only intended upon the poor almost grown dog. ... i know tmi. so here it is an hour later and guess what i am still up thinking of the most random of things, why you ask, when you get the answer could you please clue me in on this miracle for which i have been searching. so where do i go from here who knows definitely not to bed that will be reserved for one in the afternoon so the whole town thinks i do nothing but sleep all day. i would be uuber excited that and when my Dr.s get some of my meds right because all this not sleeping and worry about Jared's health is not making me one of the most beautiful of people right now...lol.. the sooner we get all of this bargain priced ice cream out of my house the better.. a moment on the lips forever on the hips right gals.. lol.. however luckily i married a man who loves a woman, not a female but a woman. which really helps my self esteem out. i love you Jared. even know it is almost four in the morning and you are soundly sleeping, snoring, but never the less sleeping.. well i guess i have run out of thing to say on this matter, maybe tomorrow the life and times of a very dear friend, the memories and what not that i don't want to go into at this moment. but she does need a memorial and i am one of the many that is sure to have one. blog ya later.
Posted by val at 2:32 AM
Monday, August 17, 2009
OK so Jared and i were off to Montpelier Idaho, that is the closest town to us where there are stores actual stores. so we were on our merry way to obtain out prescriptions not unlike any other day when all of a sudden my nice new tires are a poppin. thread bear, i was all like what in the world, word of advice don't lend your car to people you never know how they are treating your vehicle. sorry had to sneak that in. but we get to town, after Jill and another couple of people come to our rescue and guess what we had to spend a whopping two hundred dollars on tires, wow where am i going to get two hundred dollars, what. aaarrrrggghhhhh!! so to make a long story short we were lucky that a small town pharmacist holds checks for loyal customers. so now i am home eating chimi changas instead of a home made meal. we will shoot for higher eats tomorrow..lol blog ya later i am sure.
Posted by val at 5:49 PM
This has been a very busy month, Jared got his third count them third brain surgery in seven years. I mean come on can we maybe get it right the first time. lol. those of you who know us know why we laugh about it. It makes it easier to bear. He is now home and recuperating, getting the kids in line, i am getting more than enough sleep, heheheh, but I do believe he is getting a little bored. he is needing some manly things to do. I think maybe a little more down time would work out great he needs to really heal totally before he trys to over do it again.... lol.. well i actually have a lot more to blog about but being it only 4:27 in the pm it is out of character for me to even be awake.. i will blog more maybe about our blow out on the way to town, maybe about the loss of a dear friend, maybe about the joy that school is going to bring. who knows where this blog will take me, i guess we will have to see along the way, oh btw i have disassociation disorder according to my new psych so i guess we will see what personality will be blogging. lol..
Posted by val at 3:23 PM