God vs. Religion.

theraputic writings of a widdow

it has been 4 months now. four long lonely painful months. i feel so guilty that i didn't give you your siesure meds the last week of your life. even though you couldn't swallow them i still feel like i am the cause of your death. i watch all these shows deadly women, forensic files, then i think of my father, i refuse to call him dad anymore. and i think am i like him, did i kill my husband. i prayed so hard for you to be set free the night before you passed away. i was up early and heard you moan, thought to myself wow he is up so early. i went with my gut and checked on you. you were having a siesure and i know you said it wasn't painful and that you didn't remember when you were having them but you looked like you were in so much pain that i gave you a large dose of morphine. called your mom told her i think this is it, and held on to the love of my life as he was fading away. i actually think you were gone already. i think you were gone the night you saw people in your room. i feel so guilty that i asked you to please go that i couldn't handle this anymore. i cryed in the shower for a good fifteen minutes begging god to take you. i held your hand as you passed and my heart just broke. you had my heart in life and now you have it in death. death i hate that word, i cant look at photos of you yet even though the house is full of them, i just advert my eyes. i dont bake, i barely cook, i cant even bring myself to watch our favorite programs. my mom said i need to write this stuff down it would help me in my grieving process, which as you know is really kicking my butt. if i had known i would only get fifteen years with you i would have not gotten so upset at you over the small stuff, i would have just picked up the pile of clothes that always seemed to land next to the hamper and never in it. i miss your smell, even when you would grab various parts of me that i hated. i miss that, how cold i miss that. i am so lonely, i dont want to go out to friends, or events, i had my shopping therapy, didn't work fyi. i had to buy a new bed because believe it or not that fantastic mattress you picked out just was the cause of all my back pains. well maybe not all, the fifty pounds i could lose is also to blame. i was so happy that i got your stone in before the winter because i thought it would be horrible to go see you and have to guess with all the snow. come to find out they dont even plow the cemetary so i have made it up one time and i feel really bad about that. people say that you are here with me, but i can't feel you. they say that when i am ready i will. i hope they are correct. you drove me crazy but truth be told i loved almost every minute of it. i am going to write to you and my feeling on my blog. no one reads it anyhow and if they do my motto is dont say anything you wouldn't say in public so no worries. baby the kids are doing better than me, they are doing activities. i kept my promis about the ski thing, but now i am cutting back on the spending and trying to be frugal again. i need to save up. i am going to side and roof the house this summer and i will pick colors that we were talking about but i guess ultimately i get the final say on the colors. so i guess in a strange way i win. i am going to choose what i want, no outside influance this is my decision and i fully intend to get the colors i want. baby the kids are doing very poorly in school this year and i know that is to be expected, but if you really are watching over us somehow get the point across that they need to focus on studies. this has been by far the hardest year of my life. we were supposed to grow old and senile together, i feel like i got robbed, we were supposed to go rving in our golden years. i am angry that you got taken away from us. but i could not bear to see you in pain anymore, i just wish i could get the final moments out of my head, the sounds, the life gone from your eyes. but to be fair that was gone a few days before. i know you know i love you but i hope you know how much. i love you with all my heart you gave me fifteen wonderful, stressful, crazy, fun years. i married my best friend, my soul mate and because of you i get to spend eternity with you. i believe that because you did. i have to build my testimony and grieve but both are going to take time. but please know baby that we are doing good. bills are getting paid, you always prided yourself on being able to take care of your family, you succeeded even in death. i love you and my mom was wright, she said if i wrote to you or about what i was feeling that day then that might help me and you know what i has. i love you and always will your loving wife, val